SEX ADDICTION THERAPY
“Addicts can clearly know they need to stop and cannot. Despite the consequences, they continue high-risk behavior. They became obsessed with the behavior that all their life priorities – children, work, values, family, hobbies, friends – are sacrificed for the behavior and the preoccupation that goes with it. The addiction becomes a way to escape or obliterate pain. The addict needs the behavior to feel normal. Now reread the previous paragraph and substitute the word relationship for the word behavior.”
–Patrick J. Carnes
SEXUAL ADDICTION CAN ESCALATE TO THE POINT OF BECOMING DESTRUCTIVE IN YOUR LIFE.
“Addiction is a special kind of hell. It takes the soul of an addict and breaks the hearts of everyone who loves them.”
–Author Unknown
You are not faithful in your relationships.
Spend money excessively on prostitutes, escorts, and online sexual services.
Keep secrets from loved ones.
There’s the risk of getting sexually transmitted diseases.
Risk physical assault in random hookups with strangers.
There’s also the risk of legal consequences when your sexual behavior escalates into illegal behaviors.
Sex is a basic human physiological need, but when sex becomes your primary coping skill, paired with a deep sense of shame, it creates havoc in your life.
WITH SEXUAL ADDICTION, THE PAIN OFTEN STEMS FROM TRAUMA OR ATTACHMENT ISSUES.
“At the root of all addiction is pain.”
–Author Unknown
The fear of being abandoned is at the core of all addictions.
Abandonment causes deep shame. The shift into trauma comes from the fear and terror of abandonment. If the wound is deep enough and the terror big enough, your bodily systems shift to an alarm state. You never feel safe. You are always on full alert, waiting to be hurt again. This trauma can be an event in your life or stem from attachment issues you may not know.
For the sexual addict, sex becomes the maladaptive behavior that, while feeling good, can also lead to feelings of shame and guilt.
Sex addicts suffer from the constant belief that they’re unlovable, worthless, or not enough.
Sexual experimentation is a normal and healthy part of the human experience. However, when you are thrown off course from the “normal” path of sexual development (sexual trauma, sexual repression, classic Oedipus complex issues), you have a higher chance of developing problematic sexual behaviors. This can lead to sexually addictive behavior.
Just like other addictions, there comes the point where the sex addict hits bottom.
You have told friends and family that you’re done with it, but you keep on with the secret-keeping and the hurtful behavior, which further increases your shame and guilt.
When you’re alone and depressed after having alienated your loved ones, where do you turn?
If you want a different life, it may be time to have different thoughts. And this begins with overcoming your fear of being vulnerable and letting someone help.
“Addiction – When you can give up something any time, as long as it’s next Tuesday.”
–Nikki Sixx
THERAPY CAN BE A SAFE PLACE TO SHARE YOUR SEXUAL ADDICTION BURDEN.
Maybe you are sexually attracted to children and have no outlet to share these thoughts or feelings. Sexual preference is not a choice, and pedophilia can be behaviorally managed. However, you dwell in the shame of your sexual attraction and instead hook up with random individuals regularly to help cope with these uncomfortable thoughts and fantasies.
Maybe you are having sexual issues in your marriage because you are only interested in engaging in anal sex with your partner. However, it
has become a problem for her as she would like vaginal intercourse. You have been lying to her since getting married and repressing your sexual urges, hoping she will not leave you. Now you can no longer hide.
Maybe you are a 25-year-old virgin who cannot maintain an erection when you attempt physical, sexual contact with another person. You have conditioned yourself to respond to online pornography since you started masturbating, and now you are struggling with vulnerability and healthy intimacy.
If you engage in sexual fantasies or behaviors where it causes extreme dissonance, it is most likely problematic and stems from some deep-seated issue.
As your therapist, I will help you pick at your brain to discover the motivations for these behaviors. If you discover these are fantasies and behaviors you no longer want in your life after understanding the motive for these behaviors, we will explore ways to help you manage these behaviors. As a result, you’ll no longer experience shame or guilt that often comes from the addictive cycle of these behaviors.
Overcoming your sexual addiction will not be easy.
You will have to face all the negative things your behavior has caused.
This includes being honest with your committed partner about how many times you have engaged in sex without their knowledge. It includes addressing the mistrust your partner may feel with you now that you have discussed your sexual addiction. This includes addressing any sexual health issues that may have resulted from your promiscuous behaviors.
You will have to confront all the justifications and excuses that “the addict inside you” created to help foster that addictive behavior.
These thoughts have become so ingrained into your way of thinking, and it is often difficult to recognize them. These are the justifications you use to continue to engage in problematic sexual behaviors…
“No one has to know.”
“It only hurts me.”
“Just once more, and then I’ll stop.”
“I haven’t got caught yet.”
You’re going to have to learn healthy coping.
This might mean meditation, mindfulness, or relaxation. But, unfortunately, we’re not taught these things when we’re young, so we gravitate instead toward the unhealthy things prevalent in our society.
Within your therapy session, we will discuss healthier behaviors you are already doing or are interested in doing. I will be your accountability partner and discuss how these healthy coping skills reduce your feelings of guilt and shame. I will push you to engage in new habits that you can fit into your schedule, such as setting intentions in the morning or using guided meditation to sleep. These new behaviors help you get more control of your sexual behaviors as they help slow down your brain and give you time to process decisions. In that place, you are more equipped to decide as opposed to reacting from negative feelings.
You will have to remind yourself daily what kind of life you want and who you want to be in that life.
When you have accomplished the art of setting intention and delaying gratification, you will begin to see how this ability can benefit you in all areas of your life.
“Just cuz something ain’t been done don’t mean it can’t be did.”
-Shel Silverstein
NOBODY WAKES UP ON A TUESDAY MORNING AND DECIDES TO SCREW THEIR ENTIRE LIFE UP…
… by engaging in random sex with strangers simply to magnify their shame in existing on this planet.
However, something else is going on for you, and you need someone who understands how attachment, trauma, shame, and abandonment can lead to unhealthy sexual choices.
If you are ready to gain control over your problematic sexual thoughts or behaviors, call or text me at (720) 629-2729 to schedule a free 15-minute consultation.
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